Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in sarahgoss' LiveJournal:

Monday, October 5th, 2009
8:12 pm	Shannon's Birthday Just a brief entry to remember my aunt who died in February. Today would have been her 60th birthday. One of the things I told her in the weeks before she died is that I will remember her in all the ways that remembering entails, which for me includes talking about her and writing about her, but it isn't easy. Actually, today I was remembering saying that to her-- and I know I said it to her several times, and that she said, "You're making me cry," but not in a bad way. It's kind of a funny thing to remember saying to someone, because it sounds insensitive in a way. But in the weeks leading up to her death, when it was clear that she was going to die (when the doctors had stopped treating her), it suddenly seemed utterly obvious to me that the stupid and cruel thing to do was to act like this wasn't happening and not attempt to talk to her about it--to hide from it because of my own fear. So I had some conversations with her in those weeks that now seem unbelievable to me, because I wouldn't have imagined that I could talk with someone so frankly about the fact that she is dying. I was so, so terrified of that moment, before it had really arrived. Before that, when the treatments were still happening, there was this sort of pretense, following her lead, that maybe she wouldn't die. Eventually, though, it became impossible not to face, and it felt as though to continue to act like this wasn't happening would be leaving her completely alone. She was alone, of course. But there was some small way to be with her, for a lot of the time at least, up until the very end when she was so far away. And now, of course, this entry ended up being about me, not her after all. Today I found some mail for her lying unattended in a pile at my parents' house. There was a postcard with brightly colored balloons and "Happy birthday, Shannon!" written on the front: an offer for two complimentary tickets to fly anywhere in the continental United States. WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED? it demanded. WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET A HOLD OF YOU. YOUR TIME IS ALMOST UP. I know, of course, that this stuff arrives for dead people for years and years after they die, but somehow, seeing it there on the first birthday after her death was disconcerting. Getting used to this is going to take a long time. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 15th, 2009
3:00 pm	Update My aunt Shannon is now in a nursing home where she receives round-the-clock care and she has a hospice nurse. It's not perfect-- the hospice nurse told us she was disappointed by the lack of forthcoming information she was getting from the staff-- but it's definitely better than it was. Shannon had stopped eating at the Motel 6, which made me think the end was very near, but she started eating again (a little) at the home and seemed to do a little better with the care and attention of the nurses. It's a very depressing place with a lot of dying people, but it's better than the previous situation by far. My mother and I visited the home on Saturday and she took the liberty of barbarically chopping my former stepgrandmother out of several photographs other family members had brought for Shannon. It made Shannon laugh a little, so I guess it was worth it, but we shall see how the other family members react (given that they already are not speaking to Mom). (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
2:38 pm	Tired Yesterday was beautiful, but today I needed a break from my rather demanding child. I just put her in her crib and I could hear her babbling on and on, which usually means--tragically--no nap. I decided I would put on my headphones and listen to just one song, to give myself a break, and when I took out the headphones, I would face reality. I just took off the headphones and there is silence coming from her room. Yaaaaaaaaay. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 24th, 2008
9:37 pm	The parent and her childless friends A good friend of mine (who happens not to be planning to have kids) sent me an interesting article, to be found here, http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/oct/18/family1, about how friendship is affected when a childless woman's friends start having kids, one after the other. I have now seen this situation from both points of view, and I do remember sharing the author's point of view, to some extent, before I had a daughter. I remember being irritated that certain women I knew with kids seemed to wear a halo that said they could do no wrong and that they assumed their lives were harder than mine (I would now have to amend that: they KNEW their lives were harder than mine). I especially recall irritation when a relative seemed to be urging me to have kids so that we could be closer. She actually told me once that if I didn't have kids, there would be no way to meaningfully measure the passage of time that was looming before me. I understood what she meant, but the idea my future life would not be meaningful unless I could mark time by the cliched rites of passage that my would-be children would experience sort of offended me. Or... made me feel secretly superior, I have to admit, since what I was really thinking was, "Wow. My life means a whole lot more to me than that." I am quite sure my life would have gone on feeling meaningful to me, as it always had before, if I had never had children. Needless to say, the somewhat negative reaction I am now having to parts of this article probably has to do with the fact that I've crossed to the other side of things. She writes, "The joys of parenthood are hard to share and for the gap in experience that suddenly opens up, the new parents might as well have taken a trip to Mars. I have watched dear friends turn from intelligent, engaged people into gurgling, cooing aliens and they in turn regard me with a distant gaze as if from an emotional galaxy far far away. Suddenly, evenings together are cut short and yawns are stifled on both sides. How the parent responds to this can be a key factor in determining the shape the friendship will take post-baby, and I am afraid it is very much the parent that sets the tone - after all, they are the ones whose lives, interests and priorities have suddenly changed."( Read more ) (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 1st, 2008
7:48 am	Thank you to the kind people who wrote me and helped me feel better before I eliminated the last post! Sarah (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
8:20 pm	LJ Etiquette I finally figured out the "Read More" LJ cut, I think. Apologies for the long rant without the LJ cut! I didn't know it would be popping up on your pages (?) and it won't happen again. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
2:21 pm	Morbid I have been having a lot of morbid thoughts lately but I have been reluctant to talk about it because, among other things, I don't want anyone to tell me I have post-partum depression. I am 100% sure that's not what this is, especially since I DID have something that felt like post-partum depression for a few weeks and I don't feel that way anymore. Yesterday I found out that someone I know--a 34-year-old woman who is not a close friend of mine but who is dear to people who are close to me--was diagnosed with breast cancer and will have a mastectomy in less than a week. It is so terrifying, and not heartening that I have been reacting to it largely in the most selfish of ways (by pondering my own death and those of people who are closer to me). I have also been grabbing up and obsessing over any piece of writing I can find that depicts death, or the approach toward death, in a realistic and compelling way. When I think about it, I guess this started at the end of the pregnancy when I read that dreadfully powerful _New Yorker_ piece about the woman who delivers a baby who has already died inside of her. I can't remember a time, at least in my adult life, that a piece of writing affected me so much. But now that I think about it, I was also obsessed with Joan Didion's memoir about the deaths of her husband and daughter, and now I can't stop thinking about a Marjorie Williams essay I just read, "Hit by Lightning: A Cancer Memoir." All three of these are excellent pieces of writing, and they have in common an unflinching, vivid, detailed account of the mundane steps that surround the act of dying (in the Didion, a lot of this pertains to the aftermath--what happens after someone suddenly dies--and in the Williams, it's a meticulous detailing of the steps that lead up to her diagnosis and her realization that she is probably going to die). My mother gave me the collection of Williams's essays because some of them are on parenting and she thought I'd be interested. She was dismayed when I flipped past those ones to the final essays in the collection, which are about her death. I haven't quite figured out why, but having the baby definitely seems connected to this preoccupation. I've been preoccupied with death before, but somehow this feels different. This time, too, I feel like I can't chalk it up to irrational anxieties or depression, or tell myself I just need more therapy or some antidepressants. I feel more, not less, in touch with reality. And that's not a condition to medicate, is it? I have a lot of thoughts on how having the baby is connected to thoughts of death, but one way that struck me very strongly last night as I was trying to sleep (and having insomnia as usual, despite being exhausted) is that I'd better make a list of things I want to do before I die and try to make time for them in an organized way--which completely goes against my nature. But for the first time, I feel a sense of urgency, and sense that if I don't become an organized person, I am going to die feeling deep sadness that I never accomplished a lot of what I wanted to. Well, the baby just woke up so I have to go. I guess I'll have to add more later. (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 17th, 2006
11:45 am	Hello Hmmm... I should have done this awhile ago. It's sad to have a completely blank journal. The reason I haven't posted in Live Journal is that I already have another journal going, here: http://sarahgossblog.blogspot.com/ I don't know if anyone even knows that I signed up for Live Journal! Maybe I will post in here occasionally, feeling all mysterious and secretive because probably no one will ever read it. (8 Comments |Comment on this)